Whoooaaaa!!!

Repost from 2006

I was looking for a poem that I really wanted to post so I started going through my box of memories. I came across some letters written to me by old boyfriends, friends, family. Of course, I had to read all of them and the result that I came up with is that men are bullshit, I'll explain that comment in a minute. The next thing is that friends come and go but the ones that touch your soul are here to stay. The friends that are in this box, and in my diary (yeah, I said it.. MY DIARY!) are ones that I have stayed in contact with for years. And they're not going anywhere.
The common thread in all these letters from boys is that they love me, I'm beautiful, they will never leave, blah blah blah. Every single one of them in that box is gone, whether by their hand or the hand of someone else.

Robert, my first boyfriend, and whom I thought was my first love, played me. I can look back at it and see it for what it was. He wanted to get in my pants, plain and simple. The other thing that I see when I read his letters is that he wanted to protect me. Unbeknownst to me, he was right. He met a VERY violent end, with his girlfriend by his side (she met with one too!). Now, there are a few years in between our first date and his death, but since I was tight with his twin, who's to say that I wouldn't have been with him when it happened? We did a lot together after we broke up, hell, we were so close I knew who he was fucking before she did. And his brother, let's just say that when he went back to jail for the second to last time, I wisened up. I may act like a hood rat, smell like a hood rat and am a down azz biatch, but I am not one for being locked up. Hell, I hate to sit at work for more than 2 hours. The rest of the day is spent trying to make up something to get me out of that piece. Could you imagine me behind bars for more than an hour? Yeah right! I don't sit under the hair dryer that long. But never the less, it still hurts to know that he died before he had a chance to become something wonderful. He had it in him if he would have just seen past a quick buck.

I'm going to take a chance and lump most of them in one group. That would be the "before my son" group. Each and every one of these waste of space men (read BOYS) were all liars. While I started off friends with most of them, I read the letters and I'm like DAMN! At least, 5 of them said the exact same shit "I love you and will never leave you." HA! I can't even tell you which state they live in. I'm not saying that I expected every one of them to stay by my side, hell I don't even think I could deal with them now, but it's saddening to think that all men think that by saying to a woman what they think she wants to hear they can get away with it. I really wish I had the heart to bust their butts out by putting them on blast but I don't want it to come back and bite me on my azz.

Now, I'll have to admit also, a common thread in these letters is where I have completely lost interest. In letters from a few men is the question "Why have I cut them off without a backward glance? Do I still love them?" I never knew I was so coldhearted. I guess I did to them what I figured they were going to do to me, and cut them off at the pass. There's this one guy I dated before I left for college that wrote at least 5 letters with that same thing. Now, so I can defend myself before you get your knickers in a twist, this dude threw me through a store window in Wisconsin and told everyone it was my fault. We had a very violent relationship, whether we were fighting or making up. I haven't seen him in years, but reading his letters I have a glimpse of the person he was to become. I can't say for sure, but the last time I saw his sister she told me he was in prison in Atlanta. I'm not going to say I was in love, but I was young and stupid and this was not where I was planning on going. He asked me to marry him at least 6 times, and I am proud to say I never let him put a ring on my finger. Well, at least not that finger.

I think I was attracted to bad boys. I can't help it, I still am. It's just something in their look that makes me tingle. I love the hint of danger, the thought that at any minute I might have to break camp and put some space between me and another. I've grown up some, and I prefer the danger to be kept at a minimum. Or at least a huge distance where I can control what I come into contact with. I can honestly say, I've only dated 3 people that were the good guys. Well, maybe 2, the other one can't really be classified as dating. And neither one of the two lasted.

Now, there's some good memories in there, as well. My Sweet Sixteen balloon from the surprise party my parents threw me, even though I knew about it. A letter asking my parents to allow me to be in an educational movie, yeah that's right, your girl's a movie star!! (I wonder what ever happened to that? I should contact the company, find pictures of me when I was still cute and tiny.) Letters from friends telling me hey and they miss me. I miss them too. My letter of acceptance to U of I (Illini for life baby, I don't care where I manage to finally graduate from.
And, the last thing I've realized, I can't keep one single solitary track of what the hell I've been saying. Is this what you mean when you say you can't understand me Sun? Oh well, I'm the baby.. gotta love me.

Peace... Speed