Mr. Wannabegrown

Babyboy,

As I sit here and try to figure out what's the best way to help you stop fucking up, I realize that I can't think of a damn thing to tell you that will make you understand that your life is not as bad as you think it is. There are so many things waiting for you when you get older that you just don't know about, but are throwing all away.

I know all about wanting to fit in. Perhaps it's because I was brought up like you, a black child in the white world. Maybe it's because I spent half my life trying to find the family that I knew was out there for me. Or it's because I always felt like I was the only one who didn't know what was going on around me.

Yes, you have been moved about, left behind, stole from and separated from the ones you love. But you're not the only one that has been through it. You've always had a roof over your head, food in your stomach, clothes on your back and a mother that has loved you with all her heart from the moment she knew that you existed. And that is more than some people ever have.

I can't tell you that I haven't made mistakes in your life, but perhaps if you hear about the other mistakes then you will understand why I try so hard to stop you from following in my footsteps. Or why I am so hard on you sometimes and others just let you walk yourself into the mess that you create.

You are not the first one to want to hang with the GD's. Been there, done that. Barely missed getting sexed in only because I just couldn't go through with it and didn't get jumped in because the guys wanted to keep the girls away from me because they hated me. I knew all the damn laws, went to the stupid fucking meetings, paid my damn dues, and yet instill when it was all said and done, I was smart enough to GET THE FUCK OUT! There was nothing there for me that I couldn't get on my own. They try to call it a family, but best believe, when you are sitting behind bars they will not give you money for commissary, nor will they take care of your family because they are only about themselves.

You are not the first to smoke, cock, point, shoot, snort and such. Smoking is not as dangerous as it may seem until you smoke with someone you don't know who puts ill shit in your weed. And then where the hell you gonna be? Either hooked on some stronger shit, overdose or find yourself in a bad place. I've witnessed my friends fall from the edge of sanity, overdose, get hooked on crack, steal from their dying grandmothers, rob their children, beat their family all to get the next high. And while you can recover, you will hurt the people you love the most in the worst way. There's nothing worse than seeing someone you love destroy themselves. Believe me, I've lived it and am still watching it knowing that I can't help them until they want to help themselves.

I've been held at gunpoint, beaten, shot at, thrown through glass windows and a few other things that you are not old enough to know. I've held them, loaded them, pointed them at other people, chased them down all the while thinking that I was the baddest bitch around. Let me tell you, the first time a gun is cocked in your face and you know that motherfucker really wants to kill you, it is not an easy thing to face. I've known enemies that have tried to take me out, and I know that someday I am going to have to pay for the things that I have done. But I can guarantee you this, as long as you know when it is time to put all the bullshit aside your family will be there to help you through, well at least I will.

I've been arrested, been behind bars (for speeding, silly), have a record, been fired from jobs, stolen, have been in stolen cars, tried to hotwire a car, sold drugs, been robbed, and a whole lot more that I am too ashamed to admit. I've been abused, done some abusing and all the while knew that there was something better for me. I am not the first one to do these things, nor will I be the last, but I have tried to learn from my mistakes, and not use them as a reason to not get ahead. I have to look to my past for the inspiration for my future.

Did you know that I used to dance? Have you ever seen me cry after watching a dance movie? You may not have known this but I really wanted to be a professional ballerina. And if I would have taken better care of my health perhaps I would have been. But then again, this all comes back to listening to what you're supposed to do, and not ignoring your health. If I could go back, I would spend all that time in my back brace, and not be saddled now with a herrington rod that prevents me from doing the most basic moves of a ballet dancer. And if you take your medication on a daily basis, there is nothing to stop you from living a full life. Please don't be as stubborn as I was and find yourself having to rely on someone else to help you live.

I have so many regrets about my past. I wish I could go back and right my wrongs but I can't. I wish I would have actually finished college but then I wouldn't have you. I wish I would have listened to my mother when she tried to tell me about the dangers of the world. I wish I would have told my father I loved him more, even though he hurt me, before I didn't have him around. But most of all, I wish I would have been a better mother from the start because perhaps you wouldn't be struggling to become the wonderful man that I know you will be.

In short, I wish that you would start thinking before you go off and ruin your life. It's not easy growing up, I understand that, but I wish that you would take the time to see how much more your life could be if you would just use your eyes to take a look at this world. You have so much potential, perhaps more than I ever did, but you just take your life for granted. And if you don't take the time to smell the roses, all you'll ever see is the mulch in the compost pile. I love you my sweet baby boy. Please know that I will always be there for you no matter what happens. And I will help you, if you only let me.

Love,
Your Mom